Live Healthy Longer with Dr. Jim Polakof

Our Naked Truth: The Need for Intimacy and Sex as We Age

• Dr. James Polakof • Season 1 • Episode 70

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Discover the "Art' of increasing intimacy in our relationship as we grow older and how this can lead to greater, more fulfilling sexual experiences. 

In this revealing and stimulating interview, Dr. Jim Polakof interviews Joan Price– a specialist in Senior Intimacy and “Ageless Sexuality”!  Her multiple award-winning book: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – has received rave reviews! 

 Recommended for Adults – aged 50, 60 and above. 

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to another episode of Live Healthy Longer with Dr Jim, and in this episode we're going to explore boosting your intimacy and sex life. This episode is supported in part by Amazon Books. Their slogan is everything from A to Z, and I'll have great reading recommendations for you at the conclusion of this podcast. So now here's our host, healthcare specialist author and very popular podcaster, dr Jim Polakoff.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I'm Dr Jim Polakoff, and in this episode I'm going to share a bit of sex with you. Please don't take my comment the wrong way, but it's time to discuss a subject that most of us should talk about more often. Now it's particularly true if we've reached the age of 50 or 60 and above. Studies reveal that older adults who are not satisfied with their sex lives often say that health conditions, perhaps a loss of desire, pain, even concerns about the way that you look, are some of the reasons you're not having sex as often as you'd like to. Now my guest for this episode is Joan Price. She's a specialist in senior intimacy and ageless sexuality. Her multiple award-winning book Naked at Our Age Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, has received rave reviews. In fact, a review published in the New York Times states this Price is fierce and unapologetic in addressing ways we can marginalize the sexuality of older adults. But in any case, it's time to get sexier. Welcome to Live Healthy Longer, joan Price.

Speaker 3:

I'm so happy to be here and I'm so happy to be talking about my favorite subject with your audience.

Speaker 2:

Oh yes, and we're going to get into that favorite subject. So getting into the first question, joan, why don't we begin by redefining sex? You recommend we should be broadening the definition of sex specifically activities that arouse you. Now, can you expand upon this?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely when we were young. Let me back up a little. When we were young and our hormones were aging, we had a certain goal in sex. For example, if you happen to be in a heterosexual couple and I'm not assuming everybody is, but if you happen to be, that, it might be partner intercourse, that that was sex. Anything else was maybe foreplay, but it wasn't Big sex, big letter sex. As we age and some of the ways we used to enjoy sex become more problematic or uncomfortable, painful or impossible. If we then give up on sex, say well, I can't do that, therefore sex is over, then we're depriving ourselves of pleasure that can be ours lifelong. And if instead we say, ah, sex is anything that arouses us, that gives us sexual pleasure, that brings us to orgasm, pleasure that brings us to orgasm, if that can happen, then we're not only going to enjoy sex more, but we'll have more of it because we're redefining it differently.

Speaker 2:

Well, that's interesting. And, of course, you mentioned about youth. I still feel, and I can just tell you're certainly young at heart, and so am I, so youth is a figment of our imagination in my opinion. But in any case, one of your favorite remarks is just do it Now. I believe you're saying that if you're experiencing a responsive desire, you should be opening up to engaging with your pleasure. Let the desire kick in. Is that it?

Speaker 3:

Yes, absolutely. You've explained that well and let me expand upon that, because so many people don't understand that spontaneous desire, which is the way we used to feel desire. Our hormones propelled us into wanting sex. The older we get and the less we are hormone driven, the less we're going to feel spontaneous desire, desire that just hits us and says I want to have sex right now, come on, you ready. And instead but instead of thinking I don't feel desire anymore which is what so many people tell me in my age group and younger, say over 50, they'll say I don't feel desire anymore. But what they're really saying and they don't understand this is they don't feel spontaneous desire.

Speaker 3:

But I learned from Emily Nagoski's wonderful book come as you are that there are two kinds of desire. That spontaneous desire is only one way. The other is called responsive desire. That is desire that happens in response to pleasure and arousal. So if we're in a good, loving, safe relationship and we used to really enjoy sex, but we think we just don't get around to it because I don't feel desire, we just don't get around to it because I don't feel desire. If instead you say why don't we just get started? Why don't we start pleasuring each other, or if you're solo, why don't I start pleasuring myself and see if the desire kicks in after the physiological arousal and the pleasure?

Speaker 2:

So if we're sitting on a park bench with our loved one and we look into each other's eyes and we become stimulated or that desire, of course we're not going to. I think in this day and time we're not about to find a place in the park where we can enjoy ourselves, but at that point in time it might be spontaneous to go back home and take advantage of that twinkle in our eye. Am I correct?

Speaker 3:

Well, spontaneous activity is different from spontaneous desire. So, if we're talking about the two kinds of desire, you look into your partner's eyes on a park bench and you go oh my gosh, I really could get interested in having sex with my lover. Why don't we hold hands as we walk through the park and get back to our home or our hotel room or someplace where we won't?

Speaker 2:

get arrested Wherever we can hide comfortably. You're right.

Speaker 3:

We probably don't want to lie down in the grass, but you know, if we take that with us already, the desire is starting to happen in response to really feeling in love and attracted to our partner and looking into each other's eyes and feeling safe and comfortable and thinking about the last time, maybe, that we were sexual together. All of that can get the juices flowing and make us want to engage in sex.

Speaker 2:

Well, that makes a lot of sense. Now you also recommend having sex more often. So if one has difficulty with arousal or an orgasm, I think you're saying you can overcome that by having more sex more often, correct?

Speaker 3:

The hardest part about getting aroused after a long period of not doing it in any way not solo, not partnered is that initial getting the blood flow to the genitals, getting the mindset, getting rid of the distractions. Once we do that for ourselves or for another or the other for us, then we will find oh, that was really fun. Why don't we not wait three months to do it again? And if we set ourselves a goal, a practice of engaging in sexual arousal and orgasm, maybe twice a week, with ourself or sex toy or a partner, then the next time we do it it won't be so hard to get aroused. And if we get a regular practice, then, just like you want to do yoga twice a week or line dancing twice a week or whatever it is that you like to do for your body, if you engage in sexual expression twice a week, then it will be easier because our genitals are used to being aroused again. They don't have to go.

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah, I remember that from three months ago. Let me see how did that happen anyway, can you remind me? Instead, it's going oh yeah, I remember that from Saturday afternoon.

Speaker 3:

Now I say twice a week because there are health benefits from having a regular orgasm at least once a week. And when I promote twice a week because life happens, we may not feel well one day or suddenly the grandkids are banging at the door or we have an appointment we can't get out of. Then at least we have that fallback of the other time a week.

Speaker 2:

Does that make sense? Oh, the other time, now it does make sense. Of course I suppose you're not opposed to three times a week, but in any case— oh no, I'm not opposed to every day, if you'd like, Right.

Speaker 3:

But?

Speaker 2:

what should we do? I mean, should we be making a date with each other to—? Yes, is that it Less at a time? Yes, we should, let's make Tuesday the special day, and maybe again on Friday or Saturday Exactly.

Speaker 3:

We should make dates with ourselves and or with our partners for a special time. Put it in the calendar, you know, put a little heart in the calendar. Whatever kind of reminder you want, just because many of us are retired doesn't mean we're not busy and many would have a different symbol, but that's okay, yeah, okay another.

Speaker 3:

You can put an eggplant eggplant, there you go and that's on the calendar, and what that does is not only does that make it more likely it will happen, but we'll start thinking about it. We'll start with mental foreplay, just like when we were teenagers If we had a date with someone that we were really wild about, if we had that Saturday date. Well, along about Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, we're already thinking about it all the time and we're getting ourselves ready for it. We're preparing, we're choosing our clothing and our grooming and we're maybe you know all these other things that go into the preparation, and by the time we have that date, we're already partially aroused or maybe fully aroused. We can bring that kind of thing back. Well, that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and it's fun but.

Speaker 2:

I'm just curious At 60, 70, 80 years old, is there a difference between when we were young and there was more of a lustful feeling, as opposed to you're now talking about getting a mental mindset. Is there a difference between the two? Do we need to think differently?

Speaker 3:

There's a difference because, again, it's not hormonal. It's our hormones at our younger age were driving us to reproduce, even if we were carrying condoms and had no intention to reproduce. That's what our hormones were telling us, so we got excited easily. For us, even if we do all this planning, we may still need that slow warm-up. We may still need a lot of kissing and touching and laughing together. Laughing together is so sexy. Have you found that? It's really delightful?

Speaker 2:

Oh, I agree with you 100%. Laughter is the best medicine, they often say.

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah, and it's a good aphrodisiac too. Singing 50 songs in bed together, whatever it takes to make you feel connected, is part of that foreplay.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that's another good suggestion. Now, two areas that you discussed and I think. Correct me if I'm wrong, but two recommendations. The first, in terms of having sex, is a lubricant that you recommend strongly, and secondly, you're also suggesting a vibrator can assist in arousal, in reaching an orgasm or arousal itself. Expound upon this a bit if you would.

Speaker 3:

Lubricant is always helpful at any age and it's essential the older we get. If we are engaging in any kind of genital touching, we need to use lubricant, and that's lubricant on our hands, lubricant on our genitals, lubricant on our sex toys, because if we have vaginas they don't lubricate naturally as well or maybe at all. Plus, the vaginal walls are thinner and they're more apt to not experience the joy of friction unless we've really smoothed things over with a lot of lubricant. Also, we may even in stimulating a penis. It goes much better hand plus lubricant plus penis or toy plus lubricant plus penis than it does with just trying to do without. So it's essential for any gender, any orientation, any way of having sex to just have that lubricant, a good lubricant, available. I recommend, if I may make a recommendation, wicked Sensual Care, simply Timeless line of lubricants which was created for pre-menopause, menopause and postmenopause and is great for us at our age. Sex toys a good, well-chosen sex toy can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm, and it's something sometimes that simple.

Speaker 2:

So it sounds like we're going to need a toolkit. That's unquestionable In the olden days when we're necking in the car. We didn't need that toolkit, but now we do.

Speaker 3:

I recommend a sex basket where we put everything in it.

Speaker 2:

There you go. Well, which one of your books perhaps you could recommend? I mean, obviously I'm sure you have recommendations of lubricants, sex toys in one of your books. Which one would that be that people should read if they want to be very specific?

Speaker 3:

Well, to be most up-to-date about my recommendations, read my blog, joanpricecom slash blog, and subscribe to my newsletter, where I give you the most up-to-date information, because my books are absolutely wonderful about the need for sex toys, but books that were written in 2012 or 2015 are absolutely up-to-date with the recommendations in general for what you need for good sex, but to be up-to-date with specific lubricants and sex toys, you need to read what I'm writing currently.

Speaker 2:

We need the latest rocket science I can understand that you do need the latest rocket science.

Speaker 2:

So I understand, of course, and many people perhaps don't know this about you, but you're actually a fitness professor, a professional not a professor, but a professional, and you believe that exercise should be a treat, not a treatment, but a professional. And you believe that exercise should be a treat, not a treatment. And you recommend and this is really mind-boggling, you recommend exercise before sex. Now, I think that's a pretty novel idea. You're going to be huffing and puffing, I'm not really sure, but talk about that a little bit.

Speaker 3:

Okay. The reason for that is, as we age, that rush of blood to the genitals which creates engorgement of the penis, engorgement of the clitoris and orgasm. All of that that used to happen quickly when we were hormone driven back in our youth, as we were talking about youth, as we were talking about that has slowed down. How do you speed it up? Exercise speeds up the blood rush to the muscles, as we know. The brain, as we know, because we know we think better after exercise. It also enhances arousal because it speeds up the blood rush to the genitals too, because it speeds up the blood rush to the genitals too. So I wouldn't say, take a run and at the finish line have sex. No, but do whatever you enjoy. That gets you moving, that gets that blood rush going to the muscles. Should you exercise?

Speaker 2:

together, is that?

Speaker 3:

an idea? Oh, yes, if you like the same kind of exercise because that gets us in touch with our physicality together. That's really nice and, if you like, the same thing. Dancing, for example, is a real aphrodisiac.

Speaker 2:

And you can do that at home. You don't necessarily need to be somewhere.

Speaker 3:

Well, that's true, you can do that at home. That's true, you can do that at home. And let's say, maybe you go out in the evening, you take a line dance class, a salsa class, whatever, or freestyle, and then the next day because I recommend daytime sex, not nighttime sex when you're alert and have the energy, so if you say, well, let's just practice what we learned in last night's salsa lesson in the living room and then take a shower together and then go to bed and have wonderful sex.

Speaker 2:

Salsa, the great spice, I can understand that, oh, it is Very spicy. This leads me to another question, which is a sort of a converse question, you might say, in a sense, when it comes to food. You know, eating before sex, apparently I mean, sends food to your digestive system but not to your genitals. So I assume priming your arousal with chocolate-covered strawberries and a few glasses of wine isn't a good move.

Speaker 3:

Save that for afterwards. So exercise first, have sex, then eat, because, as you just said and thank you for quoting from one of my tips that food eating just slows down the blood flow because it goes to the digestive system and at our age I can't go to the digestive system with enough leftover for our genitals. So if, instead, we go to bed with our partner or alone and have a wonderful sex encounter with a partner or alone, then we are likely to be hungry and ready and in a great mood to have a wonderful meal.

Speaker 2:

So I don't mean to use a pun, but it's like hungering for sex.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I love it. Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 2:

There's a new title for one of your books Ready to go Hungering for sex.

Speaker 3:

All right, you hit it there, thank you.

Speaker 2:

Now it's interesting to note there's a common misconception, and that's that age does not protect you from sexually transmitted diseases. I mean, many people think, oh, I'm at such an age, I'm not going to have to worry about herpes or things of that nature. But in fact, a study that I looked at said that over the age of 55, stds actually have doubled in the past decade. What's your advice on this somewhat touchy subject?

Speaker 3:

I have a YouTube video, a 45-minute class, if you will, called Safer Sex for Seniors with Joan Price. If you Google Safer Sex for Seniors with Joan Price, you'll find it, where I go into not only all of the reasons that we seniors need to be extra careful to take precautions, because, for one, our vaginal walls are thinner, as I said, and it is more likely that we can receive a sexually transmitted infection rather than less likely, and also just because we can't get pregnant anymore. Get someone pregnant anymore. That doesn't have anything to do with STIs, because we think that we don't need to protect ourselves. That's the reason that those STI rates are rampant in seniors.

Speaker 3:

That's exactly the reason. It isn't that we are twice as likely to get them, it is that we are twice as likely to not put protection in place. We think, oh well, that person looks like a grandfather and obviously can't have an STI. We don't know where that person's been or with whom. And I want to say quickly because it's all in the video and I recommend that you watch it talking to the listeners now, because there's so much Like we think whoa, I can't maintain an erection with a condom on. Yeah, you can, you can. I actually show in the video how to put a condom on a flaccid penis. Don't you want to see that?

Speaker 2:

Well, I'll tell you what. Right after we're done with this interview, I'm going right to YouTube. Are you on YouTube?

Speaker 3:

Is that it? Yes, it's a YouTube video Safer Sex for Seniors with Joan Price. All right, let's make sure we use the word safer because there might be something safe sex.

Speaker 2:

So this is Safer Sex with Joan Price. All right, let's make sure we use the word safer, because there might be something safe sex. So this is safer sex with Joan Price. Wonderful, yes.

Speaker 3:

And I also recommend and people will say well, we'll just get tested before we have sex. We're not assuming that everybody that you want to have sex with is a future committed relationship. You want to have sex with is a future committed relationship. You may just want to have sex with more than one person, or with someone you've just met for a fling, and I am absolutely non-judgmental, I'm not promoting any particular kind of sexual activity, but I am allowing for. Just because we're seniors doesn't mean that we just want to settle down with someone. If we're dating right now and only have sex within marriage or within a committed relationship, we might want to explore our inner wild child. We might think someone is for us, but we want to make sure we're sexually compatible sexually compatible. So use safer sex barrier protection with everyone every time until you are committed to that person and ready to be exclusive. At that time, go ahead and get tested and then you will know whether you can stop using barrier protection.

Speaker 2:

And a special label warning to our seniors who are listening. This is not. We don't necessarily are suggesting that those of you who have been in a long relationship or are married to each other let the wild child come out and play around. We're talking about single. We're talking about obviously we're not encouraging other things other than let's get with it, you know, and let's make sure we're safe at what we're doing do any particular kind of sexual activity.

Speaker 3:

I'm giving you options. I'm accepting that your option, that you choose, might or might not be what is expected of you, what even that you used to expect from yourself. There are people who are widowed or divorced and they may want to have some time to play before they settle down again, or they might just be looking for another committed partner. I'm not labeling anything as bad. I'm not labeling anything as I'm saying you need to do this thing, and there are people who are in committed relationships that are consensually non-monogamous. So it might be also people who are in relationships, and I know I'm going to shock some of your listeners because—.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I don't know. I think our listeners today are getting, you know, shall we say, used to the world around us, accustomed to all of it. So I think you're doing fine. World around us, accustomed to all of it, so I think you're doing fine. In any case, let's discuss. Well, I identify this as the elephant in the room and it faces many senior age lovers.

Speaker 2:

So whether it's sexual dysfunction, which is obviously you know seniors having surgery and things of that nature oftentimes leads to sexual dysfunction. Or, of course, there are other challenges, but I noted in a study, which was somewhat concerning, that those who find challenges in their sexual relationships only 17% of older adults just only 17%, amazing actually seek help from their doctor. So do you think this is due to embarrassment or if? Whether it is or not, what sort of help is available and what do you recommend?

Speaker 3:

I love that you're bringing this up because it's a very, very important issue. Seniors don't bring it up with a doctor for a few reasons. One is they're embarrassed. It up with the doctor for a few reasons. One is they're embarrassed. They think that well, they're going to be told. Well, you're old, what do you? Expect they're looking at a doctor who may be the age of their grandchild. Really Talk about sex with this person. Also, they're rushed in an appointment.

Speaker 2:

Seven minutes the average appointment. Oh my gosh, I thought it was 15. That's down to seven.

Speaker 3:

Oh, seven. And so they're dealing with a specific thing they came in for and no room for anything else. Also, they're waiting for the doctors to bring it up. And then I've given talks to doctors and it's also in the study that one of the studies that you're referencing that doctors will not bring it up because they think it's invasive of the patient's privacy. And they figure well, if it were an issue, they'll bring it up, which we don't. You see, we're in an impasse. And the other thing is they may not even feel comfortable about talking about sex and aging. They may have had no training in that, oh my gosh. So what do we do? Well, I have developed what I call my medical mantra that seniors can use to kind of put doctors on the spot and make sure they answer the question. May I share that with you and your audience.

Speaker 2:

Oh please, I'm anxious to hear it.

Speaker 3:

Okay, I teach whenever I give a talk. I teach my audiences to repeat this after me until they have it memorized. I'll tell it to you and then I'll tell it to you slowly. Doctor, my sexuality is important to me. Here is what is interfering with my pleasure. Can we run the tests and find out what's going on? And if you can't help me, please refer me to someone who can. Excellent question. Now, when I say let's run the tests, now when I say let's run the test, often sexual dysfunction whether it is that we can't get aroused or can't get erect, or no matter how long we engage in pleasurable sex, we can't reach orgasm.

Speaker 3:

This can be the first sign of a big medical issue. It's the canary in the coal mine and your audience is old enough to know that phrase. Younger people don't, and I have to explain it. But it is the first sign that something is wrong and we need to find out. Might it be a first sign of heart disease, of diabetes, of a neurological issue? And if we just dismiss it as well, what do you expect? You're old, or if you fail to bring it up, you might find later that you have a medical condition that is that much harder to treat because we didn't catch it early. This is so important.

Speaker 2:

What you're really saying is don't wait for your doctor to initiate it. It's up to you to be proactive. If you have a challenge, be proactive with your doctor. Bring the question up, put your doctor on the spot. Even if he only gives you seven minutes, you can get that extra 30 seconds from his answer. Boy, I think you're right on the button 100%. I mean, you're just a wealth of information, and what it boils down to is talking about senior intimacy and ageless sex. Obviously, on this podcast, we have time restrictions, so I want to thank you, joan, for imparting such enlightening information. I mean, you just, I know we just more or less hit the surface of all of this. I can see there's so much more your books, for example and I can, just I know that you have more than just these two, but Naked at Our Age, of course. Also, sex After Grief I think that's your latest book, if I'm right. Sex After Grief I think that's your latest book, if I'm right. Navigating your Sexuality After Losing your Beloved yes, that's the most recent book, isn't?

Speaker 3:

it. That's the most recent book, the Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50. Before that, the award-winning, as you said, Naked at Our Age, talking out loud about senior sex. My first book, which is a spicy memoir, which I wrote at the young age of 61. I'm 81 now.

Speaker 2:

Better, than I ever. Oh, you're kidding, 81 years old. Yeah, 81,. Yes, and I was going to guess 39. You know, some people do remember Jack Benny, but in any case, Certainly do 39 forever.

Speaker 3:

No, I love that I'm aging. I almost died at 35 in an automobile accident. I love that I'm aging. I almost died at 35 in an automobile accident. I love every hour of aging.

Speaker 2:

So make the best of it and have great sex at the same time right, absolutely. I want to thank you again, Joan. We're going to have all this information, of course, on our website and we're going to be repeating it again. But Joan Price, I want to thank you so much. It's joanpricecom that again, but Joan.

Speaker 1:

Price. I want to thank you so much.

Speaker 2:

It's joanpricecom. That's your website. We're going to repeat it again, but I'm going to urge our audience not just to look for these books, but also come to our website, check out, because we'll have your newsletter access there, plus, obviously, your blog. So I'm going to encourage your audience because I know you have so much more to offer and thank you. You have so much more to offer and thank you.

Speaker 3:

Thank you so much. This has been a pleasure.

Speaker 2:

It's our pleasure. I'm going to be right back to tell you about six healthy foods to help boost your sex life.

Speaker 1:

You can learn more about Joan Price and her award-winning books Naked at Our Age and Sex After Grief Navigating your Sexuality After Losing your Beloved, by visiting JoanPricecom. But you can also find this information, along with other great podcasts, by going directly to our website JamesPolakoffcom. That's James P-O-L-A-K-O-F dot com. Again, that's James Polakoff dot com. Also, you can discover three excellent chapters on intimacy in our very own Dr Jim Polakoff's new book Live Healthy Longer with Dr Jim Remember you need to add with Dr Jim to the title to find it easily on Amazon.

Speaker 1:

Again, that's Live Healthy Longer with Dr Jim Plus you can find a series of other terrific books and reviews on Amazon. To make it all easier, visit jamespolikoffcom. Now back to Dr Jim.

Speaker 2:

Again, my thanks to Joan Price for an important enlightenment on ageless sexuality. So, as promised, now let's turn to the six foods that are packed with nutrients and can perk up your libido. We're going to begin with oysters. Why? Because they're high in zinc, which increases blood flow to your sex organs, and if you're not eating pink flesh fish twice a week, you might be missing out on some very important benefits. Fish such as salmon, tuna, halibut, even sardines, contain important omega-3s in keeping your sex life, as well as body, healthy. Nuts and seeds like walnuts, are also rich in omega-3s. Number four are apples. You've heard the saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it can also reduce high blood pressure, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. So apples are a good choice. And are you aware that beets yes, beets are not only rich in antioxidants but high in nitrates, and that can actually help boost your sex life. Finally, food number six and ladies are going to love this red wine. A study involving women found that regular, moderate intake of red wine is linked to higher sexual desire, lubrication and overall sexual function. So there's much more to what I've said about foods that can help to boost your sex life.

Speaker 2:

So it's important you read my latest blog, which provides far more details. All you need to do is come to my website, jamespolikoffcom, and click on blogs Plus, as mentioned earlier. Please don't forget to check out my latest book, live Healthy Longer with Dr Jim. It contains three excellent chapters on intimacy and great sex for older adults. You can find out where to buy that on my website or just go straight to Amazoncom. This is Dr Jim Polakoff, and I want to thank you once again for listening and remember that a new episode of Live Healthy Longer is available each and every Wednesday on our website or wherever you listen to podcasts. In the meantime, I want to wish you health and happiness, as well as intimacy and a great sex life.

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